Can I just rant and rave for this blog? Cuz, I'm going to. First off, I'm doing fine. I'm in a new single's ward up at the U institute and I just like the ward. It reminds me of how my old ward use to be before it got all clickish. Secondly I'm still unemployed. But I'm going to get a job. I'm bound and determined. Also I know that you have to listen to what the spirit is saying to you. That and if the spirit is saying something different from what others are saying then listen to the spirit. Wasn't it Joseph Smith who listened to the spirit and not what others are saying? I know that there are some others but that name just popped up. Well, I'm going to be honest in what I've been doing and its the spirit more than anything. First, the whole job thing. But lets not get into that again. Then there's the whole I'm not really in the mood to date anyone right now. If a guy asks me out then I'll go but I won't do the asking. Yeah, there are guys that I find to be attractive but I'm not going down that road at the moment. I've been trying my best to heal my heart. I know that everyone doesn't want me to be in pain. So they try their best to make it sound alright. Some are proably sick and tired when they see me to see how I act. There is a part of me who wants him to be in the same kind of freakin pain he put me through. He doesn't really know how much I hurt still. He's being a big fat jerk right now. If someone wants to be friends with a person don't they go out and be friends with the person? I know that I really just need to be very patient with the guy right now and he'll be back. That we can revisit things and try things again. But I really feel like we both just need to appreicate each other at the moment. Yeah, there is a part that doesn't trust him but there is a bigger part of me that wants to really trust him. I still sit firmly in what I've been believing all along. I don't freakin care what he thinks anymore. Cuz, he hurt me so much. Even though he did I still believe differently than everyone else. We will have to see what happens with that.
Then my family. I'm happy to know that there are happier times happening with my family. Yet right now I feel smothered. As you all know I have a learning disability. I can't control it. But because of it my parents and some family members are very concerned about me. Its fine for them to worry but not overly worry. I faced one of my fears. Driving on the freeway and some of my family members got all upset. Just cuz I drove on it and I don't know best when it comes time to drive the freeway. My mom even said that I can drive the freeway just as long as my dad was in the car. Now, I was very frustrated. Its like they don't trust me one bit. Yeah, people don't know that I have a disabillity but at the same time I'm not having that define me of who I am. I'm a type of person that doesn't let challenges get in my way. My family needs to understand that I need to grow and I don't need to get the approval through them. Cuz how can I grow? I always want to make everyone happy including my family. So I'm pretty torn with what I do. I want them to be happy and not worry. I want to have my family very proud of me with what I do.
I'm growing every day. I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm trying to be a mature woman. I'm 24 and I still feel that my family is overly protecting me. I understand them not wanting me to be in pain. But I need to face things on my own. I've been seeing that counsler and things are good with that. Just I feel that my mom is trying to snoop in my business with the counsler. Wanting to know if I say certain things to him or not. That and what the counsler is telling me. I'm sorry but what I'm going through I don't need to broadcast it to everyone. Because I am in pain still over a lot of things. Just I need to figure things out on my own without her swarming in and wanting to know everything.
I sometimes feel trapped and I can't get out. I need to be independent. On my own and all.
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