Just a thought,

I am just to nice to everyone? Sometimes I feel like I'm getting used because of how nice I am. That I care for everyone and once they are a part of my life I always want the best for them. Just once, I want to be appreciated for me and not how nice I am to everyone. It just goes back to the morals my parents taught me. Treat everyone the way you want to be treated. I don't want to feel like I'm being used. Yet for the past few times I have found out that I am. I'm not friends with one of my old friends anymore because we have differences. We fought cuz she thought she knew what I was thinking when she didn't. She's the type of person where it has to be her way and no one else's way. Since then I try to be friendly in front of her and she's a big fat brat back to me. Like I don't matter to her anymore.

Then with my ex, I sometimes think that I'm still being used. That he really still doesn't care about me. That I'm worth nothing to him. That he just wants to ignore me and not make any effort towards whatever he wants. That I try to extend a friendly face and I don't get one back. I try to be the mature one and he's being the immature one. Isn't it suppose to go both ways? Especially when you see each other? Isn't the other person suppose to extend a friendly gesture like I hi or even come over and see how you're doing? Instead I don't get anything like that. It makes me frusrated like he doesn't want to try and hence the reason why I don't think he sees how much I'm worth. I still feel the same way and sit firmly on it. Just he needs to see it for himself. Which I know that he will.

Which brings me to the point of I think I'm being way to nice to others if they treat me like I'm worth nothing. Just once I want to see people I know treat me with the respect I deserve. Will my ex ever mature and realize it?

What I'm worth

First I am enjoying my new ward. Its so awesome with the people I'm getting to know. I've already made a friend who's been there for me when I need it. In fact, with her help and help of others I've realized something. How much I really am worth. Yeah, I still firmly sit on what I believe but with my ex being a stupid right now and not wanting to have anything to deal with me I'm just trying to stay busy and enjoy life. That's all I can do. That is the way I can be patient with him. That's the way I can grow and he can find more things about me attractive. It was hard yesterday when I went to FHE and saw him. He's not in my ward but the same stake. So it was both a little odd on the both of us. I kept on looking at him and he was looking at me too. I think the same amount I was. Then to see two girls flirt with him made me get a little uneasy. But to see a little smile back after a girl flirted with him was the ticket to get me unsettled. In fact, if another friend didn't help me and have gotten me to talk to another guy in front of him and also get a soccer ball for me to kick I think I would of gotten a little sad right there. So many people in this new ward I'm in really care about me and see what I'm worth deep down. Something my ex isn't seeing right now. But I know that he will realize it in the future and come back to me. Pretty much do the chasing again. But I know what I'm worth now. I'm worth more than he thinks I'm worth. If he had to guts to be a jerk in front of me then look at me every time he had a chance to see if I was looking at him; he has something coming to him. When he tries to contact me I'm not going to reply back. I'm going to have him miss me so much. To much that he thinks about me. I want him to realize how much I'm worth. I want him to see what everyone has been telling me over and over again. But in his own time though.

Can things get better?!?!

Just more venting. I know everyone cares for me. They want the best and all. But I guess it frustrates me cuz when it comes to dating its different for everyone. Yeah, I like to vent and just vent is all. But I've been finding its better to listen to what you feel and what the counsler you have says. I'm just sick and tired of getting advice when I don't ask for it. Like I said I know everyone wants the best for me. But I'm trying to go with what I'm feeling. There are just some days where I just want to cry. I'm trying to really heal my heart. Yeah, I still think I've been told just to be patient with the guy and he'll come around. That I have to wait. My feelings for this guy will not change. I will give any guy a chance. Really. Just I don't see any guy asking me. I want to give every guy even Ryan a real chance. I don't want to be frusrated anymore. I don't feel that attractive. I wish there was a guy after me. I wish that I was back with my ex. I wish that I felt really important. Yeah, there are guys that I find attractive just I'm a traditonal girl. The guy has to ask me. I'm putting all this in the Lord's hand. But when the spirit is telling you to be patient for someone aren't you suppose to listen?

Getting things off the chest...

Can I just rant and rave for this blog? Cuz, I'm going to. First off, I'm doing fine. I'm in a new single's ward up at the U institute and I just like the ward. It reminds me of how my old ward use to be before it got all clickish. Secondly I'm still unemployed. But I'm going to get a job. I'm bound and determined. Also I know that you have to listen to what the spirit is saying to you. That and if the spirit is saying something different from what others are saying then listen to the spirit. Wasn't it Joseph Smith who listened to the spirit and not what others are saying? I know that there are some others but that name just popped up. Well, I'm going to be honest in what I've been doing and its the spirit more than anything. First, the whole job thing. But lets not get into that again. Then there's the whole I'm not really in the mood to date anyone right now. If a guy asks me out then I'll go but I won't do the asking. Yeah, there are guys that I find to be attractive but I'm not going down that road at the moment. I've been trying my best to heal my heart. I know that everyone doesn't want me to be in pain. So they try their best to make it sound alright. Some are proably sick and tired when they see me to see how I act. There is a part of me who wants him to be in the same kind of freakin pain he put me through. He doesn't really know how much I hurt still. He's being a big fat jerk right now. If someone wants to be friends with a person don't they go out and be friends with the person? I know that I really just need to be very patient with the guy right now and he'll be back. That we can revisit things and try things again. But I really feel like we both just need to appreicate each other at the moment. Yeah, there is a part that doesn't trust him but there is a bigger part of me that wants to really trust him. I still sit firmly in what I've been believing all along. I don't freakin care what he thinks anymore. Cuz, he hurt me so much. Even though he did I still believe differently than everyone else. We will have to see what happens with that.

Then my family. I'm happy to know that there are happier times happening with my family. Yet right now I feel smothered. As you all know I have a learning disability. I can't control it. But because of it my parents and some family members are very concerned about me. Its fine for them to worry but not overly worry. I faced one of my fears. Driving on the freeway and some of my family members got all upset. Just cuz I drove on it and I don't know best when it comes time to drive the freeway. My mom even said that I can drive the freeway just as long as my dad was in the car. Now, I was very frustrated. Its like they don't trust me one bit. Yeah, people don't know that I have a disabillity but at the same time I'm not having that define me of who I am. I'm a type of person that doesn't let challenges get in my way. My family needs to understand that I need to grow and I don't need to get the approval through them. Cuz how can I grow? I always want to make everyone happy including my family. So I'm pretty torn with what I do. I want them to be happy and not worry. I want to have my family very proud of me with what I do.

I'm growing every day. I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm trying to be a mature woman. I'm 24 and I still feel that my family is overly protecting me. I understand them not wanting me to be in pain. But I need to face things on my own. I've been seeing that counsler and things are good with that. Just I feel that my mom is trying to snoop in my business with the counsler. Wanting to know if I say certain things to him or not. That and what the counsler is telling me. I'm sorry but what I'm going through I don't need to broadcast it to everyone. Because I am in pain still over a lot of things. Just I need to figure things out on my own without her swarming in and wanting to know everything.

I sometimes feel trapped and I can't get out. I need to be independent. On my own and all.

Racoon Face

Sorry about the picture being sideways. I tried to fix it and couldn't




Hey everyone!





So time has past by so fast for me. It seems like yesterday I was just wondering what to do with my life. So much has happened. I am still unemployed. But I haven't stopped looking. I know I'll get a job soon. I've made so much progress in my life. I don't regret anything in my life because I've learned so much. Every year I make a goal so I can say hey look this year I accomplished something big. I always say I need to accomplish it before my birthday. This year I'm turning the big 25! So I thought hey I should go do a session in every temple in Utah before my birthday rolls around. So if anyone wants to do a session, please let me know. I did get sunburned on my face but I look like a raccon now. haha!! I've also made a big decision that will help me in so many ways. I've decided to change wards. I found a ward that I'm going to start going to. But I have to postpone it cuz, first I have to speak on this following sunday and secondly I dunno if any of you know this but, I'm seeing a counsler right now. He's helping me cope with things that I need help with. I consider going to a counsler as a tender mercy from the Savior. Even if someone can give advice, no one can fully understand it more than a counsler. That is what they are there for. I won't go into details, but I've noticed since going to him I've been getting back into the groove of things. I'm back to myself again and I'm taking life as an adventure. My theory is what you're feeling verses what someone else is telling you can be something different go with what you want to go with. The spirit will help you understand. I've been leaning on the spirit a lot. What I've been told from that spirit and what others say are completely different. Who knows what life will bring. I still firmly believe in what I've said before. So we will see. I do know that I'm going back to school in the fall. So I'm happy about that. :)

More from St. Louis trip

Look how delicious that looks? Well it was. haha!!





My nephew Cannon






My siblings at the graduation
(myself, Trent, McKenize, Trisa, Alex and Jordan)









My brother graduating from med school






Look at that float? Now can you imagine someone like me eating that? Well I only ate half but it was good. :)

St. Louis Trip

Me with sculptures from my favorite artist







Me with my nephew Cannon.






My nephew's first brain freeze







My family







Me without any makeup. Weird huh?

Thank Goodness for a Doctor in the family!

Hey everyone!

So, I'm so grateful to have a brother who decided on becoming a doctor. Especially when I can ask him medical questions and it doesn't cost me a cent! Since money for me is very limited right now (yes once I get a job I'll hopefully have health insurance again) its pretty nice. Just this morning I really felt sick and I couldn't get out of my bed. I was in so much pain. The pain was below my belly button and I didn't know what type of pain that was. Last time I had that type of pain, the pain was like that but on my side. Turned out that I had ovalvarine cyst. Not so pleasant to have. Very horrible if you ask me. Well, it turns out that I asked my brother and he said that it wasn't that. So, I was happy to hear that. Whooo!!!! But he said that it was something else and he told me to take some IB profien. Which is good to hear also! I'm doing good though. I got to get up for a while but its back so that stinks. :( Oh well.

Sad News

So, I'm so sorry that I have been slacking on the blog. So much has happened that's good and bad. I'm still unemployed but I'm on unemployment benefits still until October I think so that's good! But, I'm not going to give up on finding a job though. I'm going to get one even if it kills me. Also, I did go and see my brother Alex graduate from med school and visited his family for a week. Which was really good. Congrats Alex, can't wait to see you guys in Memphis! Now, I'm going to tell ya something but make it fast due to I don't want to make this a big deal. Because first its bad news and recent bad news but also just in case someone reads it I don't want this person to be thinking that I haven't progressed. But I have an ex now. Yeah, I'm single again. He's the one that broke it off. I'm dealing with it of course to the best of my ability. I have progressed though. Sometimes its hard but I have good and bad days. But my friends are a big support right now. Of course they don't want to see me upset, I think its cuz they are just a little overprotective over me. But that's a good thing. I don't regret being in that relationship cuz I did learn a lot. Who knows what the future will bring. I might find a rich doctor and marry him. haha!! That or this might be an opportunity to work on myself and see what happens you know. There is a lot in store for me so who knows what will happen. But I do know that the Lord is blessing me. But yeah, I'm trying to remain optimstic and who knows what the Lord will give me. Maybe another opportunity with my ex maybe even an opportunity with someone else. Anywho, that's about it. I'll post about St. Louis later. I actually have things to do. :)

Grateful!!

So I still don't have a job. My unemployment is almost up so I've been on pins and needles hoping to get a job. But, since losing my job I've still been on an emotional rollercoaster. But in a strange way I'm grateful for this trial in my life. It has taught me a lot about myself and it has given me an opportunity to grow. Growing spiritually and growing more in tuned with myself. If this really didn't happen I wouldn't of grown as much as I have. I do have those moments where I struggle and I seem to not be me. I do get emotional and I have learned how after an interview not to get excited. Because I know that there is someone who is better off with the position than me because of the experiences. I go to the temple once a week to help a lot and will continue to go once I have a job. I help others that have it worse than I do. I know that the Lord has blessed me with so much and continues to bless me. If it wasn't for my family and friends and the church I wouldn't know where to turn.

One of the big things in my life that the Lord has blessed me with recently is an amazing boyfriend. He's been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I can be myself around him and know that he still likes me even if I've done something stupid. He gets upset when I'm upset. I don't know how else to describe him. One thing that comes to mind is that he treats me like a daughter of God. I do miss him when we aren't together but I like him more and more when I'm with him. He's not perfect and has his things I don't like as much. But no matter what we are both there for each other. I don't know how else to describe my boyfriend other than that.

I know that I've said that I will get a job and I will. Hopefully before unemployement ends. My mom keeps on being herself and worries a little to much. I've tried not to worry so much and look at the positive. I've been trying to see what the Lord wants me to learn still and I've tried to learn whatever the Lord needs me to learn. I know that we are all given challenges here that the Lord wants us to face and grow from. He would never give us a trial that we can't handle. I guess there is still more to learn from the Lord. But I just feel that this is one of the big trials in my life that I personally need to learn. I hope and pray to have a job soon though. I somewhat feel that there is a job coming soon to for me.

I know that I've been really thinking about going back to college and further my education. I was thinking either something in the travel industry or even criminal law. I dunno, maybe something in business. I was thinking of getting my generals done at the U and see where things go. Maybe even study travel up at the U. Right now I'm actually leaning towards travel but with me not earning money its really hard to go back to school. But I am bound and determined to go back to school when the timing is right.

Just today after I heard I didn't get a position I just realized one thing that the Lord wants me to do. That is going back to college. Which I'm planning on doing. Maybe the Lord will give me a job that not only will I be able to grow in and learn but I can go part time to school. That I can keep my job and finances in order. I've actually set a goal once I do have a job and I'm going to stick with it. Once I do get a job once a month I'm going to sit down with my dad and discuss my finances with him. Even before I spend my paycheck. I'm going to make sure that I have enough money to do whatever I need to do. It will be tight but I can handle it.

Before I end this blog please pray for me. Pray that I can get a job and not worry about paying my bills and getting out of debt. Pray for my family. They need it! :)