Life so far

Hi Everyone!

I don't have a job yet still. I don't know what else to do about that. I went on a date and it was fun. In fact the guy really likes Jane Austen books and read the twilight books. I was very surprised but I was happy to hear that. Brownie points there. :) But we will see what happens with this guy. I'm not in a hurry to get into another relationship yet. As a friend said I have to get over the emotional part that I have and I will do that. The only way I know how. Just being with friends and dating other guys is the only way I can do that. Then when another relationship comes along it does and I will be ready for it when it comes around. I'm going against the grain and still believe that there is still a chance with my ex. But only if I have seen that he has matured a lot. But we aren't talking at the moment. He wrote to me and said that he thinks its best if we don't talk anymore. Its how he feels. Then he has the nerve to say that he is dating someone right now and is really happy about it. He did wish the best for my life. What a jerk first off. But you know, I don't need a jerk. But I know that he'll come and talk with me someday in the future. Not when he's dating someone but when he thinks its time to talk to me. That he'll wonder how I am yet remember he told me not to talk to him. A part of me wants to wish him well, but I am respecting his wishes at the moment. Did I cry when I read it? No, but I wasn't happy. But I was happy in the sense that he's learning something very important from this girl. I am going to move on but I know he'll be back someday in the future. Other then dealing with the ex I am dealing with the fact that I still need a job and I try everything! Then the whole going to all the temples in Utah isn't happening. But it will someday.

Update

Hi Everyone!

So you're proably wondering what's going on with me lately. Well, I'm still looking for a job sadly. But the Lord has blessed me with a lot of tender mercies. First the new ward I am in. I've made a big adjustment to going to a new ward. I don't mind the commute actually. I have a lot of friends in my new ward and everything with the change is going really well. The bishop told me that I'll be getting a calling and haven't yet. But my visiting teachers are awesome. One of them called me for an appointment and yet I haven't done my visit teaching. I should proably do that.

Then with the dating department, nothing much. I'm still very heartbroken. I go on dates when guys ask me but I really haven't gone on a lot. Dating is taking a back seat right now in my life. That part of my life is getting cut out of my life at the moment. I still miss my ex a lot. Just the little things trigger it. Dating is different for everyone. But I try to remain optimistic about my ex. No one knows him better that I know then myself. There is a reason why he thinks what he thinks at the moment. But I can't deny what I feel about him. It gets just a little hard when I see my ex on sunday and sometimes monday. Cuz, I know he notices me and we just stare at each other. But I always try to keep my promises. I promised myself that when he figures it out and tries his best to get me back I will give him another shot. Yeah, I have a date this saturday and so we will see what happen with this guy. But at the same time, I'm still holding things for my ex still. I firmly believe in it and I know he will when he's ready to admit to it. He's just not ready yet.

I am taking two insitute classes. One is a class I already took but I like it and the other one is called "Understanding Personal Revelation", from the class so far I enjoy it. Its really a good class. Cuz I want to understand personal revelation better. Though I know from the revelations I have its going to happen. I'm going against what others say to me but I have to believe in something different when its from the Lord.

So that's about it with me so far.

Locked in the restraunt's bathroom

Wondering about the title? Haha!! I was at a restraunt on saturday and went to the restroom. Well I went in the stall and when I was done I tried to unlock the stall door but the latch wasn't working. So, I was stuck in the stall. A lot of things were going through my mind but the only thing I could think of is going underneath the door to get out. I was trying to think of other solutions but that was what I ended up doing. I waited for people to leave the bathroom, though one person was in a stall but wasn't looking. I think and I hope. haha!! Well, I got out of the stall and washed my hands. I told two of my friends I was with and they just laughed. Well, at the time I thought it was a little embarssing but you know its not really. Just something random that happened to me. haha!!

I'm tired......

If you've been reading my blog lately you've been noticing how I've been talking about my ex and other things. But most of it is me just venting everything with what I feel. I still feel the same way. I know that he might be looking at my blog ocasionally and I'm not going to have his behavior effect how I react. If he wants to be immature then he hasn't grown up yet. If he wants to ignore me thinking it will help or what not then so be it. When he sees me and he wants to be the immature one then I want to be the better person. I'm not going to be frusrated anymore. There are moments where I do miss him deeply. When that happens I try to think of something different. Sometimes its hard. I'm tired. I'm tired of being to nice to him. I'm tired of being the one to communicate. I'm tired of him giving me a little bone then taking it away. To me he doesn't know what he wants but he wants to keep me near him still. Yeah, I'm in a new ward and in his stake. But I'm doing this for me. Its not about him. If me being in his stake and him seeing me sometimes at the insitute is making it hard and guilty for him then I don't care. He was the one that broke it off and is being a jerk to me. If he sees me and I'm just talking with one of my guy friends but it looks differently to him and he gets jealous of it, then he will have to. Cuz he hurt me so freakin much. I'm still hurt to this day. But I've grown from this hurt.

Yeah, I still believe the same way and know it will happen with him one of these days. In time that is. But this is really his trial right now and not mine. Well, its kind of mine but not that much of it. I know that he needs to learn something from this and he doesn't really show his feelings. I know him better than any of my family and friends. But Heavenly Father knows him better than me. But I've been told something from the spirit that I'm not going to ignore right now. But I know that its still a big possibility and he doesn't want to see it at the moment. But I know that he will. But when he comes back will I personally be ready?

Just a thought,

I am just to nice to everyone? Sometimes I feel like I'm getting used because of how nice I am. That I care for everyone and once they are a part of my life I always want the best for them. Just once, I want to be appreciated for me and not how nice I am to everyone. It just goes back to the morals my parents taught me. Treat everyone the way you want to be treated. I don't want to feel like I'm being used. Yet for the past few times I have found out that I am. I'm not friends with one of my old friends anymore because we have differences. We fought cuz she thought she knew what I was thinking when she didn't. She's the type of person where it has to be her way and no one else's way. Since then I try to be friendly in front of her and she's a big fat brat back to me. Like I don't matter to her anymore.

Then with my ex, I sometimes think that I'm still being used. That he really still doesn't care about me. That I'm worth nothing to him. That he just wants to ignore me and not make any effort towards whatever he wants. That I try to extend a friendly face and I don't get one back. I try to be the mature one and he's being the immature one. Isn't it suppose to go both ways? Especially when you see each other? Isn't the other person suppose to extend a friendly gesture like I hi or even come over and see how you're doing? Instead I don't get anything like that. It makes me frusrated like he doesn't want to try and hence the reason why I don't think he sees how much I'm worth. I still feel the same way and sit firmly on it. Just he needs to see it for himself. Which I know that he will.

Which brings me to the point of I think I'm being way to nice to others if they treat me like I'm worth nothing. Just once I want to see people I know treat me with the respect I deserve. Will my ex ever mature and realize it?

What I'm worth

First I am enjoying my new ward. Its so awesome with the people I'm getting to know. I've already made a friend who's been there for me when I need it. In fact, with her help and help of others I've realized something. How much I really am worth. Yeah, I still firmly sit on what I believe but with my ex being a stupid right now and not wanting to have anything to deal with me I'm just trying to stay busy and enjoy life. That's all I can do. That is the way I can be patient with him. That's the way I can grow and he can find more things about me attractive. It was hard yesterday when I went to FHE and saw him. He's not in my ward but the same stake. So it was both a little odd on the both of us. I kept on looking at him and he was looking at me too. I think the same amount I was. Then to see two girls flirt with him made me get a little uneasy. But to see a little smile back after a girl flirted with him was the ticket to get me unsettled. In fact, if another friend didn't help me and have gotten me to talk to another guy in front of him and also get a soccer ball for me to kick I think I would of gotten a little sad right there. So many people in this new ward I'm in really care about me and see what I'm worth deep down. Something my ex isn't seeing right now. But I know that he will realize it in the future and come back to me. Pretty much do the chasing again. But I know what I'm worth now. I'm worth more than he thinks I'm worth. If he had to guts to be a jerk in front of me then look at me every time he had a chance to see if I was looking at him; he has something coming to him. When he tries to contact me I'm not going to reply back. I'm going to have him miss me so much. To much that he thinks about me. I want him to realize how much I'm worth. I want him to see what everyone has been telling me over and over again. But in his own time though.

Can things get better?!?!

Just more venting. I know everyone cares for me. They want the best and all. But I guess it frustrates me cuz when it comes to dating its different for everyone. Yeah, I like to vent and just vent is all. But I've been finding its better to listen to what you feel and what the counsler you have says. I'm just sick and tired of getting advice when I don't ask for it. Like I said I know everyone wants the best for me. But I'm trying to go with what I'm feeling. There are just some days where I just want to cry. I'm trying to really heal my heart. Yeah, I still think I've been told just to be patient with the guy and he'll come around. That I have to wait. My feelings for this guy will not change. I will give any guy a chance. Really. Just I don't see any guy asking me. I want to give every guy even Ryan a real chance. I don't want to be frusrated anymore. I don't feel that attractive. I wish there was a guy after me. I wish that I was back with my ex. I wish that I felt really important. Yeah, there are guys that I find attractive just I'm a traditonal girl. The guy has to ask me. I'm putting all this in the Lord's hand. But when the spirit is telling you to be patient for someone aren't you suppose to listen?

Getting things off the chest...

Can I just rant and rave for this blog? Cuz, I'm going to. First off, I'm doing fine. I'm in a new single's ward up at the U institute and I just like the ward. It reminds me of how my old ward use to be before it got all clickish. Secondly I'm still unemployed. But I'm going to get a job. I'm bound and determined. Also I know that you have to listen to what the spirit is saying to you. That and if the spirit is saying something different from what others are saying then listen to the spirit. Wasn't it Joseph Smith who listened to the spirit and not what others are saying? I know that there are some others but that name just popped up. Well, I'm going to be honest in what I've been doing and its the spirit more than anything. First, the whole job thing. But lets not get into that again. Then there's the whole I'm not really in the mood to date anyone right now. If a guy asks me out then I'll go but I won't do the asking. Yeah, there are guys that I find to be attractive but I'm not going down that road at the moment. I've been trying my best to heal my heart. I know that everyone doesn't want me to be in pain. So they try their best to make it sound alright. Some are proably sick and tired when they see me to see how I act. There is a part of me who wants him to be in the same kind of freakin pain he put me through. He doesn't really know how much I hurt still. He's being a big fat jerk right now. If someone wants to be friends with a person don't they go out and be friends with the person? I know that I really just need to be very patient with the guy right now and he'll be back. That we can revisit things and try things again. But I really feel like we both just need to appreicate each other at the moment. Yeah, there is a part that doesn't trust him but there is a bigger part of me that wants to really trust him. I still sit firmly in what I've been believing all along. I don't freakin care what he thinks anymore. Cuz, he hurt me so much. Even though he did I still believe differently than everyone else. We will have to see what happens with that.

Then my family. I'm happy to know that there are happier times happening with my family. Yet right now I feel smothered. As you all know I have a learning disability. I can't control it. But because of it my parents and some family members are very concerned about me. Its fine for them to worry but not overly worry. I faced one of my fears. Driving on the freeway and some of my family members got all upset. Just cuz I drove on it and I don't know best when it comes time to drive the freeway. My mom even said that I can drive the freeway just as long as my dad was in the car. Now, I was very frustrated. Its like they don't trust me one bit. Yeah, people don't know that I have a disabillity but at the same time I'm not having that define me of who I am. I'm a type of person that doesn't let challenges get in my way. My family needs to understand that I need to grow and I don't need to get the approval through them. Cuz how can I grow? I always want to make everyone happy including my family. So I'm pretty torn with what I do. I want them to be happy and not worry. I want to have my family very proud of me with what I do.

I'm growing every day. I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm trying to be a mature woman. I'm 24 and I still feel that my family is overly protecting me. I understand them not wanting me to be in pain. But I need to face things on my own. I've been seeing that counsler and things are good with that. Just I feel that my mom is trying to snoop in my business with the counsler. Wanting to know if I say certain things to him or not. That and what the counsler is telling me. I'm sorry but what I'm going through I don't need to broadcast it to everyone. Because I am in pain still over a lot of things. Just I need to figure things out on my own without her swarming in and wanting to know everything.

I sometimes feel trapped and I can't get out. I need to be independent. On my own and all.

Racoon Face

Sorry about the picture being sideways. I tried to fix it and couldn't




Hey everyone!





So time has past by so fast for me. It seems like yesterday I was just wondering what to do with my life. So much has happened. I am still unemployed. But I haven't stopped looking. I know I'll get a job soon. I've made so much progress in my life. I don't regret anything in my life because I've learned so much. Every year I make a goal so I can say hey look this year I accomplished something big. I always say I need to accomplish it before my birthday. This year I'm turning the big 25! So I thought hey I should go do a session in every temple in Utah before my birthday rolls around. So if anyone wants to do a session, please let me know. I did get sunburned on my face but I look like a raccon now. haha!! I've also made a big decision that will help me in so many ways. I've decided to change wards. I found a ward that I'm going to start going to. But I have to postpone it cuz, first I have to speak on this following sunday and secondly I dunno if any of you know this but, I'm seeing a counsler right now. He's helping me cope with things that I need help with. I consider going to a counsler as a tender mercy from the Savior. Even if someone can give advice, no one can fully understand it more than a counsler. That is what they are there for. I won't go into details, but I've noticed since going to him I've been getting back into the groove of things. I'm back to myself again and I'm taking life as an adventure. My theory is what you're feeling verses what someone else is telling you can be something different go with what you want to go with. The spirit will help you understand. I've been leaning on the spirit a lot. What I've been told from that spirit and what others say are completely different. Who knows what life will bring. I still firmly believe in what I've said before. So we will see. I do know that I'm going back to school in the fall. So I'm happy about that. :)

More from St. Louis trip

Look how delicious that looks? Well it was. haha!!





My nephew Cannon






My siblings at the graduation
(myself, Trent, McKenize, Trisa, Alex and Jordan)









My brother graduating from med school






Look at that float? Now can you imagine someone like me eating that? Well I only ate half but it was good. :)